He's the one

It has been over a year now since he moved out. Longer even since he told me he didn't love me anymore. It's been a LONG, TOUGH year. But I'm still standing. I'm doing more than surviving. I am living. That doesn't change the fact that I love him still. And miss him. He is it for me. The one. The love of my life. People tell me I deserve better. Really? He is not perfect. But he is a good man. And he is the man I chose to share my life with. He is the man I gave my heart to. He is who I want. So that makes him more than good enough for me. He made mistakes. He will continue to make them. And so will I. But I will still love him. That will not change. He will divorce me. In his mind it will be over. In my heart it never will be. I will always be his wife. He will always be my husband. He will always be my split apart. He is IT for me.

Is it Possible?

Is it really possible that I can find happiness again? Do people who are "happy within themselves" really think it would be ok to go through life alone? I don't want to be alone. I want to be married. I like being married. Maybe it's not Jeff I want. Maybe I just can't see past the fact that he was my husband and we were a family. I look at the man he is, even the man he was and I know that he would not be my choice if I really was honest with myself about what I want in a man. But the familiararity and comfort of being married to him draws me to him. I do thin he and I were really good friends. We have so many things in common. That's why it's so hard for me to hear him say that we grew apart and want different things. I'll never know the real truth...he's not capable of telling the truth...even to himself. But I believe it's another woman. I don't think he would have left if he didn't have someone else to go to. He told me the other day that he doesn't want to put off divorce because he is in limbo and wants to be single. I believe it means he has someone else he wants to be with and he doesn't want to have to hide it anymore. He is a bastard. A coward. A liar. A cheater. He is everything I abhor. The man I loved is dead and gone. But it's still hard to let go. I am tired of feeling this way. I pray that I CAN be happy within myself, but also that I can find someone to share my life with. It's not going to be Jeff...and I have to accept that.