He wants "relief"...sigh.

My husband told me the other day that he believes that we can sit down and come up with a fair and equitable agreement for our divorce that will give him some financial relief. Yes. That's what he thinks. That this is all about HIM and what's fair to HIM. He says he believes we can get through this without killing each other. Nice. What he doesn't realize (and never will) is that he already killed me. My dreams anyway. My dreams of having my own family. Of being able to raise my daughter (as a full time Mom). But yet he thinks he should come out of this unscathed. How nice for him. I had such a simple dream. I wanted to be a stay at home mom so I could raise my own children. It was a dream he made possible when he promised me I could do just that and assured me that it was what he wanted as well...for our daughter to have a full time parent. Now...his tune has changed. It's all about money. He doesn't care if it means putting her in daycare. Taking away her summer by making her spend it in a school atmosphere year round. And what does he think I'm going to do with her when she's too old for day care? Let her sit home alone all summer? I'm here to say THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. His financial burden is the least of my worries. In fact it's not even on my radar of worries. I only have on child. She is all I have left of my dream for this life. I don't care what I have to do, but I am not going to let him take away what's left of my dream. I am going to raise my girl.

I feel so sad tonight

I love my husband. It's been a year since he left me. He was awful to me. He hurt me in ways I could never have imagined. But yet, I still love him. I don't even really blame him. I blame his parents. His inability to love and accept love. His refusal to communicate. His own self doubt and self hate. These all are the result of how he was raised by two very selfish, narcissistic people. He was never shown unconditional love, therefore he never learned how to give it or accept it. Everything he ever told me he hated about his parents...that is what he's become. It's as if there was never any hope for him to be different. He tried. He played the game. He faked it. He pretended. He did the things he thought a good husband should do. But it was never real. So why do I love him. If I know it was never real, why do I still hurt so badly. Why would I ever even consider taking him back? Because he is the only person that I have ever felt special to. And even if it wasn't real, it was all I had.