He's the one

It has been over a year now since he moved out. Longer even since he told me he didn't love me anymore. It's been a LONG, TOUGH year. But I'm still standing. I'm doing more than surviving. I am living. That doesn't change the fact that I love him still. And miss him. He is it for me. The one. The love of my life. People tell me I deserve better. Really? He is not perfect. But he is a good man. And he is the man I chose to share my life with. He is the man I gave my heart to. He is who I want. So that makes him more than good enough for me. He made mistakes. He will continue to make them. And so will I. But I will still love him. That will not change. He will divorce me. In his mind it will be over. In my heart it never will be. I will always be his wife. He will always be my husband. He will always be my split apart. He is IT for me.

Is it Possible?

Is it really possible that I can find happiness again? Do people who are "happy within themselves" really think it would be ok to go through life alone? I don't want to be alone. I want to be married. I like being married. Maybe it's not Jeff I want. Maybe I just can't see past the fact that he was my husband and we were a family. I look at the man he is, even the man he was and I know that he would not be my choice if I really was honest with myself about what I want in a man. But the familiararity and comfort of being married to him draws me to him. I do thin he and I were really good friends. We have so many things in common. That's why it's so hard for me to hear him say that we grew apart and want different things. I'll never know the real truth...he's not capable of telling the truth...even to himself. But I believe it's another woman. I don't think he would have left if he didn't have someone else to go to. He told me the other day that he doesn't want to put off divorce because he is in limbo and wants to be single. I believe it means he has someone else he wants to be with and he doesn't want to have to hide it anymore. He is a bastard. A coward. A liar. A cheater. He is everything I abhor. The man I loved is dead and gone. But it's still hard to let go. I am tired of feeling this way. I pray that I CAN be happy within myself, but also that I can find someone to share my life with. It's not going to be Jeff...and I have to accept that.

He wants "relief"...sigh.

My husband told me the other day that he believes that we can sit down and come up with a fair and equitable agreement for our divorce that will give him some financial relief. Yes. That's what he thinks. That this is all about HIM and what's fair to HIM. He says he believes we can get through this without killing each other. Nice. What he doesn't realize (and never will) is that he already killed me. My dreams anyway. My dreams of having my own family. Of being able to raise my daughter (as a full time Mom). But yet he thinks he should come out of this unscathed. How nice for him. I had such a simple dream. I wanted to be a stay at home mom so I could raise my own children. It was a dream he made possible when he promised me I could do just that and assured me that it was what he wanted as well...for our daughter to have a full time parent. Now...his tune has changed. It's all about money. He doesn't care if it means putting her in daycare. Taking away her summer by making her spend it in a school atmosphere year round. And what does he think I'm going to do with her when she's too old for day care? Let her sit home alone all summer? I'm here to say THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. His financial burden is the least of my worries. In fact it's not even on my radar of worries. I only have on child. She is all I have left of my dream for this life. I don't care what I have to do, but I am not going to let him take away what's left of my dream. I am going to raise my girl.

I feel so sad tonight

I love my husband. It's been a year since he left me. He was awful to me. He hurt me in ways I could never have imagined. But yet, I still love him. I don't even really blame him. I blame his parents. His inability to love and accept love. His refusal to communicate. His own self doubt and self hate. These all are the result of how he was raised by two very selfish, narcissistic people. He was never shown unconditional love, therefore he never learned how to give it or accept it. Everything he ever told me he hated about his parents...that is what he's become. It's as if there was never any hope for him to be different. He tried. He played the game. He faked it. He pretended. He did the things he thought a good husband should do. But it was never real. So why do I love him. If I know it was never real, why do I still hurt so badly. Why would I ever even consider taking him back? Because he is the only person that I have ever felt special to. And even if it wasn't real, it was all I had.